Yours or Theirs?

Have you ever asked yourself….?

Image by Still Unique Photography

I Rock

Image by Still Unique Photography

When I was younger, I was perfectly content just being a rock. I didn’t know any “better.” But then I learned that not everyone felt that way. I realized there were certain standards one needed to live up to or have to be good enough. That’s when I learned about the other types of rocks. I came to understand that it was better to be a diamond, ruby, or even an amethyst because they were noticed, sought after, valued, and admired. In fact, people paid money for them. I also found out that it was better to be smooth and shiny instead of rough, cracked, and irregular. So, needless to say, I spent my life trying to be better. Icompared myself with others, and I analyzed, criticized, and judged myself. I believed that if I could make myself good enough, I would once again be content with myself. However, after years and years of hard work, contentment continued to elude me. I noticed, too, that many others who did seem to measure up weren’t content either. At this point, I began to question this premise. Is it really true that we need to measure up to certain standards or ideals to be content with ourselves? How could it be that I could be perfectly content being a rock one minute, and in the next, feel so inadequate and insignificant? I am still the same rock, nothing has changed…. Except my belief! That’s all! So, now, instead of trying to change myself, all I need to do is change my belief back to the one I had before…. when I didn’t know any “better”.

The Head Judge

Image by Still Unique Photography

I live with a judge who is a real hard ass; there is not a bit of leniency in him.  He scrutinizes every thought and passes judgment on my every move.  Though he has many pet phrases he likes to use, such as, what should you be doing, you better get busy and make some progress, you need to be doing something worthwhile, etc., his three favorite words are:  NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  These words echo in my head at least a hundred times a day.

The idea that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing is a totally foreign concept to him, especially if I am not doing something productive, which by his standards means earning money, helping others, or producing something useful. Unless I am actively doing one or more of these, then it’s just not good enough, and if I am not careful, he’ll pronounce with a bang that I’m not good enough.

Living with him is very stressful; I can never just relax and be.  I always feel I have to be working, improving, and moving forward.  Instead of a gavel, he uses guilt to control me.  He is constantly in my face telling me that I can’t slack off or I will never reach my goals and if I don’t reach my goals, then I’m a lazy failure. He warns that if I waste time, I’ll end up doing nothing of any value or worth, such as earning money or helping others. And if I do nothing of value or worth, then I have no value or worth.  He is ever so quick to remind me that I don’t want to end up like that!

This judge has a way of turning the idea of embracing my passion, expressing myself creatively, and sharing this with others into a forced labor situation requiring unrelenting perseverance on my part. There can be no breaks to read a book, or do something non-work related during the week.  Each moment needs to be centered on moving forward and pushing ahead. I have to be focused, to have a plan, and to accomplish something specific. By the end of the day, I better darn well make sure that I made some documented progress, or there’s gonna be hell to pay!

Needless to say, the judge and I are not getting along very well. It’s blatantly clear, that one of us needs to leave, and I know for damn sure, it’s not going to be me.  I’m done with his threats, guilt, and criticism. He’s managed to turn what was once a positive, joyful venture into a negative, nerve-racking chore.  I think he may be on to me because it looks like he has stepped out for a few minutes, probably to refuel. So if you’ll excuse me, I am going improve my situation, make some real progress, and accomplish something of true value and worth…. I’m gonna quickly pack up his crap and kick his ass outta here!